I have a dreadful feeling that you would probably like me to start this article with a definition of sex positivity. Like clarifying most political movements, this is somewhat akin to asking someone to define that feeling they get in season seven of Gilmore Girls when Michel’s dog dies and Zach is playing an acoustic version of My Heart Will Go On and the camera zooms in on Lorelei Gilmore and at her employee’s dog’s funeral she realizes her marriage is over.
What I’m saying is: it’s complicated.
Sex positivity is a broad church and the ideology arguably means something slightly different to almost everyone. In generic terms however, most people who subscribe to the sex positivity movement believe that all consensual sexual acts involving participants over the legal age are a healthy expression of a person’s sensuality.
Sex positive characters feature strongly in both my novels and my poetry. i.e. My characters engage in and talk about sex as though it is a healthy and acceptable part of adult life.
Because guess what? It is.
Everyone on the planet has some form of relationship to the act of sex – even those who identify as asexual. It is the act that brings us into the world. It is the act that can push our understanding of intimacy to incredible new depths. It is the act that causes us to grin like an idiot at the bus stop without anyone else knowing why. And yet this beautifully absurd practice sits under a dark cloud of negativity, shame and abuse.
Why?
There are many possible answers to that question. One answer is that throughout history, our sexuality has often been repressed and controlled as a means of keeping theocratic and patriarchal norms in place. This has ultimately led to us holding on to some outdated and harmful views about sexuality.
Here are just a few you may be familiar with: sex should only be engaged in for making babies; women can’t enjoy sex; men who can’t perform sexually aren’t real men; women who don’t want sex are prudes; sex should only be engaged in under the contract of marriage; we mustn’t talk about sex; men who are not well-endowed are not real men; women who do want sex are sluts; people who don’t want sex are weird or dangerous; people who want kinky sex are weird or dangerous; sex is for men’s pleasure only; homosexual sex acts are weird or dangerous.
I don’t know about you but not one of these views strike me as healthy approaches to the topic. Most of them are downright discriminatory and have caused some deeply unacceptable behaviour within our society. Perhaps most damaging is the idea that we ‘shouldn’t talk about sex’.
For generations we have lived in a society in which people are taught how a baby is made in their sex education class, and little else. I’m pleased to say this is changing but we still have millions of people out there who have never had a frank discussion with anyone about core issues surrounding sexuality including: communication about wants and needs; the role of honesty and trust in a sexual relationship and the importance of consent. I know we would like to live in a world where people didn’t need direction on that last one but given our collective history it seems clear that explicit guidance is important, required and responsible. A great many people who are sexually active today did not receive explicit guidance and used their parents / the (patriarchal) media they consumed as models in this area continuing the transference of traditional and damaging views onto the next generation.
In order to change the narrative around sexuality, we need to make society a safe place to discuss the topic openly. As I’m a writer, my starting point for that is the blank page. There, I strive to create a world where the characters are safe to explore this element of who they are. A world where misgivings, misunderstandings and miseducation can all be ironed out. I feel this is especially important for characters who might in real life have experienced homophobic bullying, prude-shaming, slut-shaming, kink-shaming or been discriminated against in any other way. I do this because the traditional system is broken and I want my readers to have the chance to explore an alternative through my stories.
As a feminist, I am particularly interested in challenging the idea that men, regardless of their sexual preference, cannot be in any way romantic and are largely just interested in sex for the sake of having it. I try and find ways of underlining that vulnerability is not a display of weakness but is in fact an act of bravery.
When it comes to characters who identify as female, I am particularly interested in challenging the reverse: that they can indulge their sexual appetites without emotional attachment. This is not to say that I wish to portray women ‘using’ their partners or treating them as disposable. Just that when a mutual agreement of ‘no strings attached’ is struck, it doesn’t always have to end in the same way as a rom-com starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher.
Overall, I’m keen to convey the message that however you identify on the gender spectrum, you are allowed to have satisfying sex and be as open-hearted as you choose. I think both of those things are cool, and important to building a better world.
To encourage new and inclusive views surrounding sexuality – or anything else for that matter – it makes sense to me that we have to tell new and more inclusive stories. To craft journeys that permit characters to celebrate this part of themselves so that readers can do the same…
Oh, and also, did I mention that writing about sex is a lot of fun?
For more advice on exploring intimacy on the page, check out Helen’s book How to Write Sex.